Introspection

My poor little blog has sat by the wayside as I have continued on with my life. I'm still dealing with infertility and I am in a different emotional place dealing with it all the time. My most recent "I" of infertility is introspection. I have been trying really hard to deal with how I feel about things. I have been trying to find the roots and the little branches as they weave from place to place.

My life has changed in a few ways since I last wrote here. First I changed jobs. I am now teaching preschool and I love it. However with teaching preschool I have found out that there is always a pregnant person around somewhere. I am waiting for one of my co-workers to have her baby any day. I also have a co-teacher who is trying to get pregnant. The good thing is that I have found out many of my co-workers have the same fertility issues I do. They all have kids now which also helps. I am wondering how I am going to deal when my co-teacher gets pregnant. I spend many hours a day with her and I may not deal well. Lets hope that she will at least tell me she is knocked up in private because she knows about my issues.

I have also found out that the leaders of our small group also deal with infertility. That was very helpful to find a friend as well. It's amazing how this journey has led me down many paths and in many ways I'm much deeper in my faith. I have tried to see the things God is changing in me. I have tried to be aware of the positive things that are developing in my life. I'm trying to keep the faith that God has it all figured out and His perfect timing will prevail.

Intuition......

My next "I" of infertility is intuition. It is amazing to me how I have gone through times in my life where I ignored my intuition. There are other times I have heard it loud and clear. One of those times was before I got diagnosed with PCOS. I already knew I had it. In my heart I knew what the doctor was going to say but I still cried in her office that day. That was such a  painful day when what I feared was confirmed. Of course I had a young doctor who was thin and blonde and probably just got out of residency. Only advice she gave me was lose weight. Yeah so much for knowing about the disorder and giving real suggestions.

Some times I wonder if I listen to my intuition as much as I used to? When I was a tween I lived in constant fear. Fear of everything. I was convinced that doom was right around the corner wherever I was. I was so convinced my intuition was always telling me I was going to be murdered. I think I eventually quieted my crazy fear that I was calling my intuition and my real voice of knowing eventually came out. In college I became very in tune to my inner voice as I have become older I have gone through different phases of listening. I hope I continue to tune into my intuition and what it has to tell me.

In a Weird Place of Peace

Today I'm feeling relaxed and comfortable as I think of my infertility struggle. I may be in some crazy vortex in an alternate universe but I am really OK today. It's amazing how this struggle ebbs and flows every day and my feelings adjust to the waves that crash over me.

What keeps running through my head today is I'm going to survive this struggle. I'm not sure what I will look like coming out on the other side but I will make it. God is teaching me many things and learning those lessons is more important than having a baby.

So Many "I's" in Infertility

As I look back on my journey I can think of so many "I's". Insecure..... Infuriated..... Inept .....Inconsolable. Infertility is a long and hard journey and there are so many "I" words that I trip over along the way. Right now my "I" word is Isolated. I feel very alone and Isolated in my journey. I have been battling a year and a half and I feel alone. The loneliness of infertility can be paralyzing at times. The people around you often don't understand the struggle you are gong through, and you don't really want to talk to some people about it because of what they would say or how they would make you feel. I personally have not told my mother about my infertility issues because I cannot deal with her look of pity before she over spiritualises it and then continually asks me about "how it's going".  By making the choice to not include people it creates a feeling of isolation in the situation. It's hard to open yourself up and share your fertility struggle because it leaves you so completely open and vulnerable. It's hard to choose that vulnerability. It seems so easy to just close up and only expose your tough shell to protect the soft spots that you know hurt.  

Mantra for the day.....

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Repeat as necessary..... God has a plan of prosperity and not harm for me.

Dinner with friends and a few more "I"' of infertility realities

Last night my book club went to dinner instead of talking about a book. In general I had a nice time. Good food, lots of laughs and of course a few stinging reminders that I was the only one without kids. My "I" of infertility was definitely isolated and slightly infuriated (infuriated may be too strong of a word). I rode with one of the ladies who lives in my neighborhood and it just so happens she has a month and half old baby. It's hard because I don't really gush over the baby like I used to. I keep my distance and detach myself from the situation as much as I can. At one point during the dinner I was looking at the baby and almost started crying.

Much of the time is spent talking about everyone's kids. Which is what I expect. Only two of the group work full time in an office and the rest of the group are stay at home mom's so their day revolves around their children. I am OK with these conversations. I know that is where people are in their life and I was a nanny for 10 years so I have some insight into what they are talking about and have no problem adding to the conversation. But what really infuriated me is a comment one of the ladies said,  I asked about her baby who is teething and she said that the baby was really uncomfortable and grumpy and she almost put a post of Facebook asking if anyone wanted a 6 month old. I was so mad because - Yes, someone does want a 6 month old even if they are teething - ME! I was so mad! This friend also has struggled with infertility for many years and she knows the pain of not having one and wanting one sooo bad. I could feel the flash of anger cross my face and I'm not sure of she saw it at all. On the way out to the car someone else made a comment about how I can't complain about being out so late because I don't have kids and won't have to be up in middle of the night.


It's amazing how when you are dealing with infertility normal social interactions turn into emotional minefields.

People Just Don't Get "It"

My "I" of infertility for today is the "It" that looms over your head, and the fact that people who have never been in this struggle just don't get "It". They don't understand why therapy offered by an adoption agency isn't what I'm looking for when I suggested a support group. I don't want to get a pat on the back to hear "I'm sorry you can't have a baby but we have one you can adopt". Not having a child isn't the issue. Not being able to carry a child is the issue. These are two completely different stories.  Don't get me wrong, adoption is wonderful and I have absolutely no doubt that I would love an adopted child just as much as a child I gave birth to. The real issue at hand is glazing over the infertility struggle because you now have a child so "everything is OK now."

Therapy at an adoption agency was a suggestion I just received from someone at my church......Well thanks for completely missing the point on that one!