Introspection

My poor little blog has sat by the wayside as I have continued on with my life. I'm still dealing with infertility and I am in a different emotional place dealing with it all the time. My most recent "I" of infertility is introspection. I have been trying really hard to deal with how I feel about things. I have been trying to find the roots and the little branches as they weave from place to place.

My life has changed in a few ways since I last wrote here. First I changed jobs. I am now teaching preschool and I love it. However with teaching preschool I have found out that there is always a pregnant person around somewhere. I am waiting for one of my co-workers to have her baby any day. I also have a co-teacher who is trying to get pregnant. The good thing is that I have found out many of my co-workers have the same fertility issues I do. They all have kids now which also helps. I am wondering how I am going to deal when my co-teacher gets pregnant. I spend many hours a day with her and I may not deal well. Lets hope that she will at least tell me she is knocked up in private because she knows about my issues.

I have also found out that the leaders of our small group also deal with infertility. That was very helpful to find a friend as well. It's amazing how this journey has led me down many paths and in many ways I'm much deeper in my faith. I have tried to see the things God is changing in me. I have tried to be aware of the positive things that are developing in my life. I'm trying to keep the faith that God has it all figured out and His perfect timing will prevail.

In a Weird Place of Peace

Today I'm feeling relaxed and comfortable as I think of my infertility struggle. I may be in some crazy vortex in an alternate universe but I am really OK today. It's amazing how this struggle ebbs and flows every day and my feelings adjust to the waves that crash over me.

What keeps running through my head today is I'm going to survive this struggle. I'm not sure what I will look like coming out on the other side but I will make it. God is teaching me many things and learning those lessons is more important than having a baby.

Mantra for the day.....

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Repeat as necessary..... God has a plan of prosperity and not harm for me.

Quite a year

My 30th year of life has been quite eventful. In one years time I have had highs and lows from celebrating 10 years of being with my husband to diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Celiac disease. This eventful year has led me to look for places to vent, gain knowledge,  feel kinship, and find peace. The journey to find all these things has led me many places online communities, friendships, book stores, doctors and acupuncturists. One place my journey hasn't led me to is church. My husband and I have been part of a church for 4 years but our infertility struggle has made us feel very separate from those in our church. I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life but I feel completely cut off from the church I was a part of. This realization is part of the reason I am beginning this blog... to see if there is anyone else out there like me.